Journey Home

I got engaged in March of last year. From that moment on, we’ve been contemplating on my return to the Philippines.

For almost one year, me and my fiancé (back then) lived a Long Distance Relationship. A person cannot say something (doesn’t have the right to do so!) unless he experienced being in that situation. People will say “ay, madali lang yan, may phone naman, email or may skype naman eh etc etc.” I believe that no one in LDR can say that it’s easy, because it’s not.

We’ve survived a lot of lonely nights, days that we feel alone and moments that we really missed each other. We’ve suffered a lot of fights because of misunderstandings. We’ve paid huge amounts on our phone bills, internet and airfares. We’ve gone through all of that and yet we are still together, going stronger. But when do you say “it’s time to go home”?

After our wedding last December, I stayed in the Philippines for almost 3 weeks. Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. The original plan was for me to stay until January of 2013. However, when I got back in Brunei last January, that’s the time we felt that being apart now that we’re married is even harder. Noong mag-bf/gf kami, mas madali, pero pag married na pala, the more you feel na other half of you is missing. Tutuo pala ung sinabi sa bible na iisa na kayo.

The whole month of January was full of discussion with my husband if I should go back home or not. We’ve tried to look at all the worst scenarios. We’ve asked so many questions like, What if I get pregnant? When should I get pregnant? Should I get a job? When do I get a job? What about our travels? What about his job? Where do we stay? Should we get a car? Etc. I’ve also given him a computation of our financial standing. We’ve looked at all the pros and cons of both scenarios. Finally, we made a decision for me to go home this June.

But how do you know if a certain decision is from God? Have you ever wondered how?

There are a lot of books written to know the will of God. I think a few years ago I’ve read one. The book mentioned 7 points but I can only remember a few.  The first one is that it shouldn’t contradict any statement from the bible. But the one point that I always remember is if I have “peace” in my heart.

Even though my husband and I have already decided that I should go home, I still found myself asking God for confirmation. I know that it is His will for me to be with my husband because the bible says that “a man should not be alone.” But I still found myself crying to God, asking Him for peace.

One night, I was able to talk to a girl friend about the decision and she agreed that I should go home. After that, I still prayed to God. I told God “Lord, I know that the stir in my heart is because of fear. I am scared to go back to Philippines because I worry about our finances. I worry about our safety. I worry about our future, our kids’ future.” God showed me that we are under His protection. No matter where we are, whichever part of the world, no matter how much money we have, we are and will always be under His grace.

After all of that, the pull of money is still holding me back. I still don’t have peace. I prayed to God once again. I said “Lord, staying here has only one reason and that is money. All the other reasons points back to coming home. But why do I still feel this way? Lord, I will wait for the peace, I know in time you will give it to me”

I went home to Philippines last Feb 1-5 for a short visit. We are both so happy to see each other once again after one month of being apart.

On my second night home, I was sleeping like a baby because of a very tiring day. Around 2AM, I woke up and saw my husband awake. I asked him why is he still up. He said he’s just thinking. That’s the first time I saw him with that look on his face. He looked tired, worried and sad. And because I’m just half-awake, I went back to bed right away.

Around 5AM, I woke up and my husband is already sleeping. I looked at his face and I felt so much love for him. Suddenly, I realized that my husband needs me. I realized that in times like these, I should be there for him, encouraging him, supporting him and believing in him.

People will never understand our decision for me to go home. They will think we are crazy by letting go that much money in Brunei. But we made a vow when we got married and that is for better or worse dapat magkasama kami.

Life is not about money, it’s about relationship. No one in their deathbeds will think of their money, of their houses, of their cars, of their accomplishments. They will think of their relationships- relationships with God, with their husband/wife, with their kids, with their friends, with people, but NOT money.

That moment, God gave me what I’ve been asking for so long and that is PEACE! Peace in my heart!

The bible says “we are a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes”

Life is short. Live it well!