No Longer a Bird

When colleagues see my old pictures, they would always say “why are you so pretty there?”

It was funny how in just almost one year, I look completely different from what I look like before. Not for the better but for the worst. Maybe it’s because I really feel like that inside. I don’t know what happened but maybe I am sadder now, more worried now, more obligations and responsibilities now compared to when I was back home in the Philippines.

When I get this feeling I always remember the movie “Others” of Nicole Kidman wherein she killed herself because of tremendous sadness. She was married and she has a good career but she drowned herself to death by tying a heavy stone on her neck so she will not float under the river. Before her death she wrote a letter to her husband, telling him that she loves him but cannot see the beauty of living anymore. I feel like that sometimes. I don’t see the beauty of living even though I have everything any girl asks for.

When I was in Philippines, I can do anything and I can go anywhere. I am very independent and self sufficient. I don’t need anyone to make me happy because I can make myself happy. I am like a bird. I can soar high anywhere and anytime.

Now, I am no longer a bird that flies. I am a bird in cage. Maybe others would say why won’t I just get out of my cage and fly again? That is easier said than done. The cage is my responsibilities and obligations to myself and to others. Getting out of it would mean I would be putting them inside the cage.

Sometimes I would tell myself “your life is a waste.”

I used to have eyes to see beautiful things, but now I am already blind. I used to have ears to hear sweet music but now I can only hear the sound of silence. I used to have legs that go anywhere but now I am limp who stays in one place. I used to have arms to reach anything but now I am like a baby, helpless. I used to make myself happy but now I depend on others to make that for me.

I used to be a bird; But not anymore.