Wedding Jitters

These past few weeks I have heard few people say that the “tingly” feeling will soon fade away. They even got farther in saying that the desire to be intimate for married couples will soon be monotonous and boring. And it got me thinking…..

I am turning 33 years old next month. Why did it take me this long to get married? Is it because I was waiting for the right man? Is it because I was scared? I guess both. I was scared to end up like the other couple that is why it took me so long to wait until the right man finds me.

I grew up in a conservative Filipino family, raised by my grandparents. I remember a few things about them as a couple. One of them was that my “inang” should always wait for “tatang” before she can eat. As soon as tatang arrives, she will prepare for his meal, will just seat beside him and wait for any instructions. And it’s the same thing with my parents. I never saw any of them hold hands, kiss, hug, not even a single moment of intimacy. And I’ve always told myself that I will not be like them.

As I grew up, I always have this ideal image of what a couple should be. They should be both laughing, enjoying each other’s company, vocal in saying sweet words and are not ashamed to show their affections publicly.

I have three siblings, all girls. They are all married now with kids. But before my sisters marry their respective boyfriends, they are all very romantic. I can see them holding hands, laughing together, publicly affectionate, just intimate. However, looking at them, after less than 10 years of being married, all of them have changed.

Yesterday my sister told me, “it will fade away, talk to me after a year and you’ll see.” She said that kids really bind a marriage and that marriage is a hell lot of work. And I agree. Marriage is hard work. You cannot expect a marriage to flourish without taking care of it. But on the other hand, I cannot fathom in my heart to think that two people will only stay in a marriage just because of kids. Though, I don’t believe in divorce or separation, I believe that it shouldn’t be just for kids. When two people took their vows, they didn’t give their vows to their kids; they gave their vows to each other.

My heart is shouting…

”I don’t want to be like other couples”

“I don’t want to end up saving a marriage for the kids”

“I don’t want to stay in a house with a stranger, who doesn’t talk anymore”

“I don’t want to be in a place where things will get monotonous and boring”

“I don’t want to be a wife who cannot stand a second in one room with her husband”

“I don’t want to be a wife who nags, whose always tired, who doesn’t laugh anymore, whose very consumed with finances and responsibilities, whose always irritated, who is no longer fun, affectionate, exciting and adventurous”

But what if I become all that I fear? I am scared.

A friend told me “if the two of you communicates well, then you don’t have to worry about anything. It’s just wedding jitters”. And he is right. It’s just wedding jitters because….

I am very blessed to have been chosen by a man who loves me very much. He is a man whom I enjoy talking. We enjoy laughing together. We can talk about anything under the sun, may it be intellectual, spiritual or silly things. We are adventurous, funny and affectionate. I know that after all the “tingly” feeling fades away, and after making love for a million times, and after seeing all our ugliness, and after we grow old with wrinkled face and no teeth, after all those, what we have is communication!!

It gives me tears to imagine that after 30 to 40 years, we will still look at each other and we will laugh, and hug and kiss. And he will call me “bebeh” and i will still call him “baby ko”! :D