Four Months

Four Months

By Venus Cristy Reyes

April 1, 2011

It’s been four months since I decided to leave my country and work abroad. Four months of being in an unknown place, not knowing what I will find, meet or experience. Four months out of my comfort zone and it was scary.

Before I came here, I was tired of my old life. Tired of the same routine, tired of my job, tired of not having enough finances to do what I want to do. I was so tired of waiting for that special someone to come into my life and so I decided to live life out there instead of waiting.

I am a strong woman, adventurous, eager to find what life can bring me. After a few months of looking for a job, I found myself boarding the plane and leaving. I was excited. Scared? I wasn’t. I told myself I can do anything. I have the charm to get away even with a murder (probably that’s exaggerated). Okay, not a murder, but I can get away with any mistakes! I told myself I won’t get sad because I am already used to being alone. So, what else can break me? I thought I am unbreakable.

Before I left the country, I met this guy. I’ve known him a couple of years ago but I’ve only seen him twice in my life. Once was when we had a group dinner and he was there with his girlfriend. He is funny, that I can vividly remember in my head. I think that was 2004, the year I was taking my Masters.  Second was in early 2010 when I bump into him along Ayala Avenue.

After six months from that second encounter, he just came into the picture. Suddenly, he was partly in my life. Though, I will not be writing our love story in this article, he will be part of it as I write about my struggles to stay in this foreign country.

These past weeks, I have been in a dark hole. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go to and I don’t understand what I am doing. I feel stupid, negligent and weak. Every day when I wake up, I feel sad because I know I have to face another agonizing day in the office. I have made a lot of mistakes and I don’t know if I will be proud for hoping to get away with it or be ashamed because I am not good enough. It is hard to admit but the responsibility overwhelms me. I thought I can do anything, I thought I am strong enough, I thought I am unbreakable, only to find out that I wasn’t.

I am not used to getting help from someone. I am used to taking it all in and say a prayer to God. That’s how I survived for the last 32 years. But now is different because I have someone. Now is different because there is someone who cares for me, who loves me, who’s willing to be with me even in stormy days.  Sadly, he is not here with me physically. That’s why most of the time I still feel alone. I still feel that my battles are just my battles not ours. I still feel that at the end of the day, my mistakes are still my mistakes and I am the only one who can fix them.

I remember feeling this way five years ago. I was in a place that I am not sure of, in a place where I feel chained, unable to move. I was in place where I was dreaming to run away, to be free and to find calmness in my heart.

Maybe I am asking too much because real life is not like that. Life is not a bed roses. Even roses has their torns as they say. So what makes me think otherwise? Maybe that’s why God made heaven. So that people like me would be able to hope and desire for that place where they can have inner peace, completeness and contentment.

Nevertheless, I am so blessed and so fortunate to have this life. I have a high-paying job, a good family and friends, and most importantly a man like my fiancé - Robert Allan S. Bolista. He is everything to me. Though for now, I am not with him, it is nice to know that there’s hope. It’s nice to know that there is that dream. A dream of being with him, living with him, seeing him every waking moments of my life, sharing every laughter and tears, making memories, loving him with every cells in my body  and just feeling loved by him.

Oh Lord, please give me the strength to hold onto those dreams. Please give me joy, peace and calmness in my heart. Please remind me that this life is not mine to waste, but is mine to live in the center of your will. Please help me to trust you more and to have faith on the things I cannot see for now. I have a dream Lord. Please make that dream so real inside me so that I can still live my life inside this reality.