Hiding

Hiding

By Venus Cristy Reyes

June 1, 2011

When I was young, I used to hide.

I remember hiding and crying in a bathroom outside the house. I remember hiding inside our room w/ my cut fingers bleeding. I also remember going to the tomb of my older sister hoping that she takes me with her in heaven.

When I was in Elementary and High School, I always cry. It’s funny, I only realized now that my twin sister doesn’t cry the way I used to. She’s very strong. I never actually saw her cry before. But me, oh, I can cry the whole day. When I cry I can’t breathe and my hands will start to shake and I won’t be able to move. That’s how bad it is.

I’ve fallen in love and had my heart broken so many times already. I always cry when that happens. But after the “crying” part, I will do the “hiding” part. Why do I hide? I hide because I can’t take the pain. I am a coward. How do I hide? I break up, I let go, I turn my back, I walk straight, I don’t look back and I move on………………………just like that!

I have this idea about relationship, about love, on how it is supposed to be. I believe that love should not be painful. I believe that if two people love each other they will not hurt each other. I believe that they should bring out the best in each other and not the worst. I believe that two people should be getting better as an individual. I believe that if it’s not those things, then it might not be love after all.

They say that cruelty comes from the weak because gentleness can only be expected from the strong. Maybe that’s the reason why I am so cruel with all my previous boyfriends. The first guy I fell in love with, I broke up with him when he was sick. The second guy, I broke up with him when his parents were sick and he’s struggling with his work and finances. The third one, I broke up with him when he was so hopeless and confuse on what to do with his career. Yes, I am cruel. I am cruel because I am weak. I am weak because of that idea in my head - that if it’s real love, then why am I in pain?

Then one day, I met this guy. He is wonderful. He is exactly the person I’ve prayed for. All the characteristics that I wanted, I found in him. We started to know each other and we fell in love. After just three months he proposed to me and I accepted. I told myself, “I finally found the right guy, someone who will not hurt me”

We’ve been together for six months now, but I was wrong because he hurts me too L

But I’ve also never been so much happy before, only with him. And I’ve also never loved someone like this before, only him.

Whenever I feel so much pain, I can’t seem to let go of him. I can’t find myself “hiding”. Just to utter the words “I give up, I’m letting go and I’m breaking up with you” are something that my mind cannot fathom. Whenever I try to imagine my life, I cannot see it without him. It’s just impossible, incomprehensible and unimaginable!!!

Maybe what’s wrong with me is my mind set about love. Maybe love doesn’t mean without pain, maybe it’s not a bed of roses and maybe it’s not a fairy tale. I realized that there’s nothing wrong with feeling pain. A lot of times those people we love the most are the ones who hurt us the most. Even our Lord Jesus felt so much pain because He loves us so much.

Now I know I am ready.

Now I know that this is real.

Now I know that I really love my fiancé, Robert Allan Sangco Bolista.

Because I am ready to be hurt and I am ready to love him with all of my heart and my strength.

There will be crying, YES. Maybe even a lot of it. Hehehe!

But there will be no more “hiding”

Because I’ve decided to stick with him NO MATTER WHAT.

In good times and bad times.

In sickness and in health.

Until death do us part J