Wedding Jitters

These past few weeks I have heard few people say that the “tingly” feeling will soon fade away. They even got farther in saying that the desire to be intimate for married couples will soon be monotonous and boring. And it got me thinking…..

I am turning 33 years old next month. Why did it take me this long to get married? Is it because I was waiting for the right man? Is it because I was scared? I guess both. I was scared to end up like the other couple that is why it took me so long to wait until the right man finds me.

I grew up in a conservative Filipino family, raised by my grandparents. I remember a few things about them as a couple. One of them was that my “inang” should always wait for “tatang” before she can eat. As soon as tatang arrives, she will prepare for his meal, will just seat beside him and wait for any instructions. And it’s the same thing with my parents. I never saw any of them hold hands, kiss, hug, not even a single moment of intimacy. And I’ve always told myself that I will not be like them.

As I grew up, I always have this ideal image of what a couple should be. They should be both laughing, enjoying each other’s company, vocal in saying sweet words and are not ashamed to show their affections publicly.

I have three siblings, all girls. They are all married now with kids. But before my sisters marry their respective boyfriends, they are all very romantic. I can see them holding hands, laughing together, publicly affectionate, just intimate. However, looking at them, after less than 10 years of being married, all of them have changed.

Yesterday my sister told me, “it will fade away, talk to me after a year and you’ll see.” She said that kids really bind a marriage and that marriage is a hell lot of work. And I agree. Marriage is hard work. You cannot expect a marriage to flourish without taking care of it. But on the other hand, I cannot fathom in my heart to think that two people will only stay in a marriage just because of kids. Though, I don’t believe in divorce or separation, I believe that it shouldn’t be just for kids. When two people took their vows, they didn’t give their vows to their kids; they gave their vows to each other.

My heart is shouting…

”I don’t want to be like other couples”

“I don’t want to end up saving a marriage for the kids”

“I don’t want to stay in a house with a stranger, who doesn’t talk anymore”

“I don’t want to be in a place where things will get monotonous and boring”

“I don’t want to be a wife who cannot stand a second in one room with her husband”

“I don’t want to be a wife who nags, whose always tired, who doesn’t laugh anymore, whose very consumed with finances and responsibilities, whose always irritated, who is no longer fun, affectionate, exciting and adventurous”

But what if I become all that I fear? I am scared.

A friend told me “if the two of you communicates well, then you don’t have to worry about anything. It’s just wedding jitters”. And he is right. It’s just wedding jitters because….

I am very blessed to have been chosen by a man who loves me very much. He is a man whom I enjoy talking. We enjoy laughing together. We can talk about anything under the sun, may it be intellectual, spiritual or silly things. We are adventurous, funny and affectionate. I know that after all the “tingly” feeling fades away, and after making love for a million times, and after seeing all our ugliness, and after we grow old with wrinkled face and no teeth, after all those, what we have is communication!!

It gives me tears to imagine that after 30 to 40 years, we will still look at each other and we will laugh, and hug and kiss. And he will call me “bebeh” and i will still call him “baby ko”! :D

Lying

Proverbs 6:16-19 said that there are six things which the Lord hates and one of those is a lying tongue.

Last weekend, an old friend added me on Facebook. I didn’t accept right away because there was a stir in my heart. I’ve thought of asking my fiancé’s approval first before I add him. However, I thought to myself “Maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal.” So, before the day ended I accepted him, not knowing what will be the consequence of my action.

The next day, I look at this friend’s profile out of curiosity. I wanted to see where he is and who’s his gf now (since I became friend to his gf before). Unfortunately, I happen to see an ex-bf picture there. Not that I don’t know that he’ll be there, but I didn’t think that it would matter even if I see his picture. I never open the pictures one by one or even dwell on them.

That same day, me and my fiancé had a problem that lasted until Monday. Come Monday night, my fiancé called me and asked me when is the last time I look at any of my ex-bf’s FB. I said that I can’t look at them because they are all blocked on my FB. He then asked me again when is the last time I saw the picture of my last ex-bf. And I said I don’t remember. He asked me not just once but thrice and I lied to him repeatedly.

I remember very vividly this one scenario when I was a little girl. I was eight. I just came home to my grandparents after two months of being in the hospital. It was 1986, a year where “Dengue” was known as “H-fever”. I almost died during that time because no one knows about the disease. I remember lying in bed and 10 doctors would come and see me. They will look at me, they will talk, and they will leave. I don’t know what’s happening. They don’t also know what to tell my parents. My mom told me that my skin is so dry almost cracking, I vomit blood, and sometimes blood would come out from my nose. I look dead because I was only bone and skin. But I was famous in the hospital. Everybody knows me, which I find really fascinating. i love the attention so much!

After that time in the hospital, my grandparents took me to the province. One morning, I was in the dining table eating my breakfast when the pot started to sound (the sound which says its already boiling). I heard it but I never bothered to switch off the stove. My grandfather came rushing and scolded me. He said “narinig mo na ngang kumukulo di mo pa pinatay.” He was about to spank me when my grandmother came. And so I started to cry. I said “tatang, di ko kasi alam kung panu patayin eh.” This is the first memory of me lying.

People say that white lies are okay because they are for the benefit of the person hearing and not your own. But is it really okay to lie? Even white lies?

Why do people lie? I never considered myself a liar before, but after last weekend’s scenario, I think I am now L

There are various reasons why people lie. In my case, I lied because I was afraid. I lied to my fiancé because I was afraid that if he knows then he might get mad and leave me. And that was the one that almost happened last night. I also withheld the information because I thought it wouldn’t matter because for me it doesn’t matter. My heart was not after my ex-bf. My heart is fully devoted to my fiancé. However, maybe the “brat” in me surfaced, the “brat” in me which says that I can get away with anything, the same way I got away from my grandfather’s spank when I was eight years old.

Last night was a nightmare. I never want to feel that way again because I don’t want to lose my fiancé. I cannot lose him because I love him so much. I will die without him. But I know what I did is wrong. I know that lying to him was the worst thing that I can do.

And so I pray in my inmost being that I will always be honest to him today and for the rest of our lives. I pray that our marriage will always be based in truth and in love.

No Longer a Bird

When colleagues see my old pictures, they would always say “why are you so pretty there?”

It was funny how in just almost one year, I look completely different from what I look like before. Not for the better but for the worst. Maybe it’s because I really feel like that inside. I don’t know what happened but maybe I am sadder now, more worried now, more obligations and responsibilities now compared to when I was back home in the Philippines.

When I get this feeling I always remember the movie “Others” of Nicole Kidman wherein she killed herself because of tremendous sadness. She was married and she has a good career but she drowned herself to death by tying a heavy stone on her neck so she will not float under the river. Before her death she wrote a letter to her husband, telling him that she loves him but cannot see the beauty of living anymore. I feel like that sometimes. I don’t see the beauty of living even though I have everything any girl asks for.

When I was in Philippines, I can do anything and I can go anywhere. I am very independent and self sufficient. I don’t need anyone to make me happy because I can make myself happy. I am like a bird. I can soar high anywhere and anytime.

Now, I am no longer a bird that flies. I am a bird in cage. Maybe others would say why won’t I just get out of my cage and fly again? That is easier said than done. The cage is my responsibilities and obligations to myself and to others. Getting out of it would mean I would be putting them inside the cage.

Sometimes I would tell myself “your life is a waste.”

I used to have eyes to see beautiful things, but now I am already blind. I used to have ears to hear sweet music but now I can only hear the sound of silence. I used to have legs that go anywhere but now I am limp who stays in one place. I used to have arms to reach anything but now I am like a baby, helpless. I used to make myself happy but now I depend on others to make that for me.

I used to be a bird; But not anymore.