My last blog was about how happy we were that I am pregnant
and how good God had been for giving us a child. Now, I have to write something
about how God took what He just gave. In hard times, are we going to praise Him or curse Him?
Before I even found out that I was pregnant, I am already
having stomach pains, something that none of my mother and three sisters
experienced before. In my heart, there was this feeling that something is not right. Of course, I brushed off all negative thoughts but still they
lurk in my head.
I remember one night I told my husband that I am scared
because my tummy is not getting bigger. I even told him that I read somewhere
that sometimes the Fetus just stop growing and die. A lot of things get into my
head but I held on to His promise that He will give us a child. My husband told
me “Don’t worry, just have faith. It is
God who gave; it is also Him who can take”
Friday morning, I had some “brown discharge”. I told my
Doctor about it and she said to visit her with my ultrasound result. And so
come Saturday, me and my husband went to the Hospital to have my ultrasound. I
am supposed to be 13 weeks and 3 days that day.
We were sitting and waiting. I was not scared. In fact, I
was excited to see our baby. I know that by that time, he is already about 3
inches. I thought that the ultrasound picture would be a good gift for my
husband 30th birthday which is just 4 days away.
As the Doctor started doing the pelvic ultrasound, I saw “the
face”, the face which tells you that something is wrong.
Doctor: Maam, your baby is too small, it’s really
very very small. I am having a hard time seeing it. Can I do that TVS instead?
Me: Yes. Okay.
Me: Does he have a
heartbeat?
Doctor: I am not there
yet Maam, wait
Me: Is the baby okay?
Doctor: Maam, I can’t
say anything yet until our Senior Doctor sees it.
Once I heard that, I knew that baby is either dead, not
normal or doesn’t have any chance of surviving. Then my legs started shaking
and I felt my body weakening. To be honest, I didn’t think about what I feel at
that time, my first thought was my husband. I immediately told them “Please call my husband, please call my
husband”
When my husband came inside the room, the Senior Doctor
showed him our baby and he smiled. My husband was very happy. Then I tried to
get his attention, when he looked at me, I said
“Beh, he doesn’t have a heartbeat” and my husband's face changed. I can see
it in his eyes, he doesn’t know what to do, what to say, what to think. It was
like his mind was blank. That’s when I started to cry. But I told my mind to be
strong. I told the Doctors “What do we
do?” and they said “Call your Doctor,
your Doctor will tell you what to do next.”
Me and my husband showed strong faces and emotions from his
sister (who is with us that day), from his families. We didn’t show them how big the pain, how strong the storm was and that we felt like we’re already
drowning. We discussed what to do and we decided to have the operation come
Monday.
That night, me and my husband were inside the room. I was
fixing the house when I heard him sobbing. I immediately hugged him and kissed
him. I said “Kaya natin toh beh, kaya
natin toh. I love you. I am here. We are in this together” and he just kept
on crying, weeping, grieving. He said “I
am sorry babe, I am sorry.”
After that, we prayed.
Sunday 4am, I woke up. I can’t sleep and so I decided to
research on babies who die at 7 weeks. I found out that a lot of women
experienced miscarriage and that 7 weeks is a critical period of a baby’s
development.
While doing my research, I started crying. My husband saw me
and he said “Beh, why are you awake?”
I told him “I am trying to know why the
baby died” and then I started to lose it. My husband hugged me and I cried
very loud. I said “I just need to cry
baby, I just need to let it all out, I just need to cry para maubos na ung pain”
and then he let me cry my heart out.
Three days already passed and the operation went well. I
have not felt any pain except for the Dextrose. Even the anaesthesia shot at my
back wasn’t that painful. God is good because He made it very easy for me (He
knows that I am very scared of needles and blood).
All throughout this situation, did I ever questioned God
why? NO.
I have never asked God why He did or allowed it to happen. Because
I know that God is GOOD. I know that even if I don’t understand why, I don’t
understand now or I will never understand, I know that God is too good because
He gave His son JESUS to save me.
Anything that happens to me, to us in this earth, doesn’t
really matter. Any possessions, accomplishments, victories, pains, trials,
losses are MEANINGLESS because what matters most is the LIFE AFTER THIS.
Knowing that HE chose me to be with HIM in heaven is more than enough for me to
PRAISE HIM NO MATTER WHAT.
To my husband, bebeh,
I love you more than ever. I know that whatever we face in the future, we can
survive coz we both love each other and we love God.
Dear God,
You know me and my
husband’s heart. There may still be days that we will cry. Our only prayer is
that YOU give us strength to face this pain, see us through this, used our
lives to be a blessing. We will keep the FAITH and the HOPE that one day, in
your perfect time, You will give us baby Raven. Please bless our families and
friends who have prayed for us. Thank you for giving them to us. You are good
LORD, you are good, always and forever! :D
